Anger

I never legitimately hated anyone but I'm thinking that's starting to change. I don't see the beauty in anyone. What is wrong with me? Am I that dull and heartless?

Am I just a hormonal teenager because I’m extremely moody? I’ve notices this behavior of mine since the beginning of 11^th grade or was it 10^th grade, either I’m like bipolar but I just might be misdiagnosing myself. What do I know anyway? It stresses me and I can’t handle stress management at all. One minute I can be completely serene and a few minutes later I’m sulking all over the place because of over-analyzing the circumstances I’m currently experiencing in my life . Oh I’m such a girl!

Sigh, no matter what I can’t help the entertaining the thoughts of failing. Failure is my major fear right now. Lord help me!

Anyhoo my new obsession is La Cha Ta by f(x) one of my favourite k -pop girl groups!

I’m hypocritical in almost every aspect of my life. I’m the epitome of the wasteman mentality. I thrive unsuccessfully off of procrastination and I suck eggs at time management. How am I ever going to succeed in life if I can’t prioritize and make use my time efficiently? I believe I’m one of the many lost souls out there just merely an inch away from ultimate failure. These grades I’m currently receiving do NOT define me, so I’d like to think. Maybe I overestimated and overrated my intelligence in the past or more simply, I’m just not trying hard enough. It’s a competitive world out there and I don’t think I can complete immerse myself in it. All my life I wanted to be a doctor, but now I failing CHEMISTRY! Lucky me, right? My other option is commercial pilot but my parents do not approve of spending so much time in the sky and I know that the pilot is highly competitive as many others and even more demanding.

Also, I’m not confident about anything. I once believed that I was good at Spanish but apparently I’m not. Chemistry was a strong subject at one point in time but not again? Am I incapable of transitioning between these particular grade levels, from 11^th to 12^th grade? Everyone warned me about it, but they should’ve have done a better job at instilling my mind the fear of enduring 6^th form. Even though school is very demanding and frustrating with every teacher administering group assessments and such, I still waste my time like the wasteman I am. I need divine intervention, some sort of venting therapy, I presume. I can’t continue like this. There is no one I can talk to because, surprisingly,  many people that one ‘so smart’, ‘there’s no way you can feel insecure about academics’ but the fact is that I AM. I’M SACRED THAT I WON’T MAKE IT. SCARED OF NOT GETTING ALL ONES IN CAPE and right now it doesn’t look possible at all. My parents , no one, will be able to fund my tertiary education! Therefore it’s imperative that I get a scholarship. :’(

Sigh I wasted my time today reading fanfiction, listening to music and lazing on facebook . I do this every weekend knowing that I ‘m running out of time. God please help me.

Now the guilt is eating me alive and I’m not happy about it at all.